10.3.17

social media anxiety

This is not going to be a beautifully eloquent post about my struggles and how I'm overcoming them. This is a rant which may contain unnecessary swearing. I'm no stranger to anxiety. We know each other well - too well, in fact. There is rarely a day where we don't share at least a brief encounter. Once upon a time, it was only an IRL problem. Nowadays, however, it has extended to online, too. I just want a fucking break. I'm desperately fed up.

illustrated by the talented Rebecca Cottrell

I have not tweeted in years. Yes, more than one. I think it's been three now. Why? I'm scared. Can you imagine that? Actually, maybe you can. Lauren from What Lauren Did Today, who deserves all the credit for this post, can also relate it seems. Her post inspired me to confront my issues. I used to spend up to an hour, maybe more, constructing what I perceived to be the perfect tweet. After all that, I'd have to delete it once posted anyway because I'd spot a spelling mistake.

I'd never reply to tweets that (I thought) weren't meant for me. Let's say someone, maybe a beauty vlogger, is asking for an opinion. She wants to know what micellar waters others would recommend. I have a few to suggest because I have tried and tested them all and I'm now somewhat of an expert. I don't reply though. God, no. I decide that, despite them asking, they don't want my opinion. They don't care what little old me has to say is what I tell myself.

Instagram is a similar story. I have not posted on Instagram in months. I'm not a photographer, I never will be and I don't want to be. More importantly, I don't need to be. However, if it's not picture perfect, I won't post it. If I do miraculously manage to post but I don't get over 10 likes, all the negative thoughts I had before posting are validated so, you guessed it, I delete it.

I've been blogging on and off for years now. The on and off nature of which was also anxiety related. After being off for a year or so,  I've been blogging semi-consistently for a few months now. Since posting, as you can imagine, nothing bad has happened. In all honesty, I have no idea where I found the strength to start posting again. There was no profound realisation or a defining moment, it just sort of happened.

25 blog posts later and I'm ready to do more. Overthinking is an evil that I will defeat. I have to. The fear and the frustration from the fear is pissing me off. I'm so done. My first step will be to tweet Lauren, who, might I add, is a complete stranger to me, and thank her for helping a girl out!

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